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laurenetrim

~ in this moment

laurenetrim

Tag Archives: fear

queenslanders curse – melanoma

20 Thursday Mar 2014

Posted by laurenetrim in health, writing

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fear, medical, melanoma, skin cancer

You know that little freckle on your lower inside calf? On the part of your leg visible when you sit cross-legged on the ground? The bit you hardly ever put sunscreen on because you wear long skirts and work in an office and are really only out in the sun when you’re walking to and from public transport on your weekday commute? Yeah, let’s talk about that one.

When you go to your yearly skin cancer clinic scan (and you DO GO TO A YEARLY SCAN, RIGHT?) and you strip down to your undies and get gawped over by a specialist – make sure they look at it if they don’t catch it themselves. My Doc caught it. And it came off that very same visit. A local anaesthetic needle and a few minutes razoring off a piece of me for biopsy and come back in a week for the results.

What you probably won’t expect is a phone call the very next afternoon rescheduling your follow up to a “surgery timeslot because it’s obviously cancer”. Faaaaarrrrk. Don’t do that, Receptionists. Don’t say that.

So you excuse yourself from your open plan desk and rush to an empty meeting room to ask for more info as you madly text your go-to friend who texts back saying find out more info. Then leave your workplace. Just leave. Talk to your doctor on the commute home and be assured if it was seriously bad cancer, he’d have you back in that day to cut it out.

Spend your week staying calm. Rely on the doctor. Heal your biopsy site and journal your heart out.

Go to your surgery, driven by your go-to friend who knows to talk to keep your mind off things. Stay cool while you get needled, carved and stitched. Make small talk about the embroidery skills of the Doc you’re trusting. Limp out. Keep your leg up for a few days. Look after yourself and know that whatever the next results say, that if further action is required, KNOW that you’ll do it. Whatever it takes.

It’s better to know, ladies and gentlemen. It’s better to be checked, have some news and deal with it, than it is to have a nagging worry in the back of your mind and avoid it. Living with your head up your butt isn’t living.

It’s always better to know. Always.

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fear

06 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by laurenetrim in health, musings, photo

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anxious, believe, chance, fear

Well, not such a big brain, or that tiny a heart.  But I fear a slip, an error, a mistake, a fall.  I know they hurt.  I don’t want the humiliation of people laughing at me.  I know that the bruises will come.  And bruises remind me of the fall, the humiliation, the ugliness and the hurt.  And really, who wants that?

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hold onto that thought

26 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by laurenetrim in health, musings, photo

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decisions, fear, solo

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Wow. Interesting day.  Woke up with one intent – having agonized about the ins and outs of everything over the weekend.  But when the time came, I stayed silent and held fire.

I have no idea why.  I know I’m cautious by nature – overly so.  I don’t start a recipe until I have all the ingredients ticked off and measured out.  I don’t start a puzzle if I can’t see all the pieces.  I hedged today.  I can kid myself that it’s to wait and see, but I think it’s more that I’m scared of making the wrong decision.

That’s been happening a lot lately – being uncertain.  I’m terrified of getting myself trapped.

I’ll have to give more thought to figuring this one out.

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cut the crap

18 Saturday Feb 2012

Posted by laurenetrim in art, health, musings, writing

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avoidance, fear, procrastinating

20120218-201637.jpg

Art. Writing. Website. Music. Home. Work. Health. Cooking. Painting. Travel. Song. Craft.

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