It’s been a while since I wrote anything, either on here or in my journal. Which is a bit nuts. My journal let’s me mull things over and get it all out of my head until it makes some sense, so to stop that goes to show how muddled I’m feeling. I’ve had an early stage skin cancer removed from my lower leg and it’s not healing at all well. So now I’m house bound and going nuts with doubts and worries. I’m concerned about using up all my sick leave (whilst acknowledging how lucky I am to have a job that lets me ‘earn’ sick leave entitlements). I worry that I’ll need it for something really serious in the unforeseeable future. I am mentally bashing myself up for not ‘doing more’ while I have my leg in the air. Not writing. Not reading. Not improving. Not earning. Not cleaning. Not learning. Not working. Not. Not. Not. I actually sat here today kicking myself along with rewards – if I sit still for two hours, I can surely water the plants. While I sit for a few more hours, I can compare home and content insurance to see if I can make a saving somewhere. I got $50 off. So that’s a win, right? It’s a little bit scary how consumed by the negative and how foggy I’m getting. I thought I’d have more resilience than this. Doing nothing is not my forte. I have to have a plan. I have to have something to do. As the great man says…
Is there an age at which you stop fluctuating between happy and sad? Does the pendulum swing with less umph as you get older? The times I feel happiest (or at least quietly accept the moments of low) are when I don’t care about how I feel. Weird, huh.
At what point do you not doubt yourself? I always figured that would be when I was grown up, but the doubts are still there. The fleeting grasp I seem to have on a reliable resilience has me stuffed. I’m strong. I’m educated. I have moved countries. I have travelled alone. I have walked away from jobs that others called a “career”. I’m clear about what I will and won’t put up with, so where’s the fear coming from exactly?
At this point, I can at least note when it’s happening. I have this weird out of body conversation with self thing happening. I know I’m feeling like I want to walk away, but I stand there and stay in the moment a bit longer to see what happens…which is nothing. No tragedy. No drama. Nothing bad really – it’s all in my head. A weird work in progress. I am my own wacky experiment, I’m just not sure if I’m Jeckyll or Hyde.